In response to a mom’s post (https://www.guftagoo.in/how-not-to-bring-up-a-kid/ ), Guftagoo.in has got as a post the thoughts of another mom (Rekha Garg) straight from the pages of her diary.
Since my son doesn’t let me touch my phone, I have hastily decided to pen down my response to your post.
I can completely relate to what you had gone through. There have been times when I just wanted to run away from this hustle bustle of having kids and devote time for myself. But you know, once you have kids your entire life revolves around them. It’s a 10-minute walk to my Zumba class and you won’t believe it I spend those entire 10 minutes thinking about my kids.
In the context of your post, I would say, try to identify the triggers of your son’s behaviour. Once I was in a library with my daughter when she threw a tantrum. She wanted to take a particular greeting card home that belonged to someone else. She lied on the floor, started waiting and simply refused to budge. It was so embarrassing for me with all eyes on me. It was as if their eyes were saying, “What kind of a mother is she? Can’t even control her daughter.” I just kept quiet because I knew any type of reasoning with her was of no avail. My daughter gets very cranky when she’s sleepy. So I knew that her tantrum is going to last a few minutes and it did. After five minutes of howling and screaming she just slept, right there on the library floor. I simply picked her up put her in her stroller and walked away as if nothing had happened. As for the onlookers, either they must have surely gone through the same experience if they are already parents and if not, I had let them witness something that parents go through at least once in their life while trying to bring up their kids.
When my daughter was born, I promised myself that I am never going to hit her. Once she banged the door on my son’s head. I asked her whether she banged it ‘jaan boojh ke?’ and she said ‘yes.’ Actually, she thought ‘by accident’ translates to ‘jaan boojh ke’ (rather than ‘jaan boojh ke nahi’) and kept on saying ‘mummy maine jaan boojh ke darwaza band kiya tha.’ I had reacted by whacking her across the face. I immediately had my pangs of guilt and hugged her. Then I quietly asked her that why she had closed the door ‘jaan boojh ke?’ She said that she was trying to save my son else he would have gone through the door and fallen down the stairs. Boy, you can’t imagine how bad I felt. When I asked her if she could translate ‘jaan boojh ke’ into English she said ‘by accident.’ And you know when I was threatening her that I would no longer be her mom she cried and said, ‘mummy mujhe bohot bohot maaf kar do.’
So the important thing is to remember that as parents we all make mistakes. Just learn from them and move on.
There are times when I feel that I’ve been reduced to a mere ‘diaper changer cum baby feeder cum baby entertainer cum….’ with absolutely no time for myself. There are so many programs being offered by the government here (in the US) but I cannot attend any of them due to my children. And when my children will be a bit older and attending school, I will have joined the workforce or returned to India.
So, the bottom line is ‘nobody is perfect.’ Parents try to do their best while upbringing their kids. It is easier to give advice rather than implement (I guess I am doing the same here). So, cry if you feel like, ask your support group for help, and resort to T.V. and Internet while you are busy with your household chores to overcome this. In the end, all the love from our little ones is worth it.
There’s so much more I want to share but can’t. My son has already started throwing tantrums. I always wanted somebody to love me like crazy but now when I have my kids clinging on to me all the time, I wish I had some space. Just remember, there are some bad days, there are some good days and some best days. Enjoy each phase and it won’t be long before our kids grow up.
By the way, while I was writing all this, my son has scribbled all over the wall with a whiteboard marker and squashed his banana on the carpet and his sister’s crocs. You know I can’t even shit in peace. J
From the second month onwards, my son has begun taking just one 15-minutes nap in the entire day. I can’t keep a single thing in the cupboard. Imagine what I feel when someone says, “what have you done all day?” or “such a thing hardly takes 10 minutes.” Now I just ignore them or politely tell them let’s exchange places for a day.
So, NaSa, you are not alone. Good that you shared your experience. Made me feel a lot better and lighter.
To add to this, I have learnt to let go of certain things. Though brooming and mopping is something I do daily without a fail, my house is messy. (You should come and take a look. It would literally put the word ‘messy’ to shame.) But I am proud of the fact that there hasn’t been a single day when I’ve sent my husband to office without his lunch box. Nor I’ve resorted to short-cuts when it comes to my kids’ meals. Between cleaning, cooking and feeding six meals, breast-feeding, playing with my kids, my house being messy takes a back seat. My dad once commented to my mom, “hamare ghar ko dekh ke lagta hi nahin ki koi bade rehte hain.” (He was comparing his house to his friend’s house that was spic and span). To which my mom was quick to snap back ‘ki unke ghar ko dekh ke lagta hi nahin ki unke ghar me bachche bhi hain. If people comment on the cleanliness of your house then I would rather prefer such people to stay away from me and my home. There’s a huge difference between ‘cleanliness and ‘hygiene.’ What is a house with kids that has no scattered toys, a few scribblings on the wall, and little imprints of their so-called artistic ventures on the carpet etc?
A friend of mine once commented that her house is sparkling clean no matter what. (She was indirectly commenting on my house.) She has a daughter who studies in my daughter’s class. So, obviously she has 6 free hours to herself. And now that we are at it, she would eat up 2-3 hours of my precious time despite me telling her that I have so much work to do. I happened to observe her daughter a few times. She has instilled so much discipline and structure in her daughter’s life that I feel she is an adult in a child. I am happy that I let my kids be kids. Motherhood teaches you to multi task. Like right now, I writing this while breast feeding my son. (He’s exclusively on breast milk and semi- solid foods till now and I spend a good 5-6 hours breast feeding him lying on my back on one side.)
Penning down thoughts helps vent out your rants. J
Proud to be a mommy J